Not sure why this keeps flipping images sideways. There’s a lot of uncertainty surrounding my future. I mean the next few weeks or so. Where am I going? Where is Carla going? What’s going to happen to our relationship? How am I going to enjoy Christmas? When are these three voices going to leave me alone? When will I have a stronger desire to live than to die? Prior to my relapse two years ago I was great at making decisions and sticking to them. Uncertainty drives my anxiety, which eventually makes me think things I really shouldn’t be. Honestly I’m more scared of my relationship ending than anything else. However I’m at a place, finally, where I can except that if it ends I will be able to handle it like a big boy. I hope. My track record for handling break ups is pretty poor though. Fuck! I hate being abandoned or left in anyway like that. The worst feeling for me, other than seeing my children cry, is when someone doesn’t love me back. God I’m pathetic. What the fuck am I doing? Think I’m gonna ask for some Zopiclone to go with my Quetiapine tonight, I can’t have a repeat of last nights episode. My head hurts. I think I need to cry a bit😭
