Happy new year! Actually not that happy for me. I’m now officially single. Still yet to sort my housing situation too. I’m glad I worked a lot over the Christmas period as that takes up some time. Outside of that I have returned to the gym. My muscles are still aching from my first work out session. I’m also over three weeks clean of self-harm. I’m proud of that but it’s a lot of work mentally.
Right now I’m sitting in my favourite coffee shop watching hundreds of people walk by. I go here nearly daily it seems. I walk around bluewater on my own and all I can see is happy couples. I’m shit at being on my own. I’m shit when someone doesn’t love me when I love them. My social circle is getting smaller. What I don’t understand is why do I want to isolate myself and why do I hate being alone? I don’t understand the logic but it feels like someone I should be doing?
I feel so alone. And I feel like this will last a long time. I’m too anxious to talk to anyone new so how am I supposed to bond with anyone? The one person I wanted to be with no longer wants to be in a relationship until she can get herself to a more stable state, which I totally understand. But that doesn’t help me at all. I FUCKING hate being alone.