I can't believe the last time I wrote something on here it was just after new year.
Just to bring you up to speed, as it's been ages since my last entry. Carla and I are still very much happy together. She has been out of hospital since the beginning of the year and has done an amazing job of reaching stability. I couldn't be more proud of her. I have been in contact with my two daughters and this will continue as long as I can remain stable. I have been living with my Nan and it's been really good since living with her.
Today I'm 19 weeks and a day clean. One thing I've noticed during the last nineteen weeks is that the self-harm urges seem to be intense one week and then pretty relaxed the next. I suppose that's really how it is with self-harm; urges come and go.
Yesterday a guy in my local town was arrested for firing his guns out of his balcony and into the air. Someone shared a recording of him with me and I uploaded it to my Instagram. Two people weren't happy that I posted this video attached to my usual mental health related hashtags. I took the video down in the end because I didn't want to upset anyone.
This past week has been the hardest so far. Five weeks into lock-down from COVID-19 and I'm sinking lower than I have felt in a while.
I know why I have been feeling like this is it's simply down to this lock-down. The first four weeks of this I was able to create a routine, work on my next book, exercise and work on Youth Potential. Now I can barely wake up and feel like life is an enjoyable experience. I have had suicidal thoughts but I know I can rise above them. It's the thoughts of self-harm that keep coming at me that I struggle with. For obvious reasons I've been unable to have appointments with my care co-ordinator or psychotherapist. I knew I needed them but I didn't realise how much I depended on them until now. At least they have been calling me each week to check up on me. They must be under so much pressure at the moment. I'm grateful for their contact.
I shaved my left arm the other day; that's my "self-harm arm". I'm a fairly hairy guy and they had grown back to cover a portion of my scarring. For some reason looking at them gives me peace of mind so I shaved it. I'm neither proud or ashamed of them.
I've been doing live streams a lot recently on Instagram. I'm really enjoying speaking with my friends (followers) from different parts of the world. Last night I streamed for two and a half hours. I was drained by the end of it but it was worth it.
Anyway. The struggle continues. Hopefully I can use this space to express things that would otherwise be saying to one of my carers instead of reaching for the blade again. Forgive me for posting all this and coming across really miserable. I'm human who lives with BPD/EUPD, MDD and GAD and I need to express myself to stay sane. Oh and I'm still waiting on an ASD assessment. I can forgive them for the delays for now.
Keep up the fight my friends.