Last night on the ward

I didn’t write anything yesterday as the consultant on the ward made me feel like expressing myself on this blog was a detriment to my state of mind. Yesterday I had a meeting with the consultant, a few other mental health staff and my Mum, Dad and Step-dad to discuss my stay on the ward and how to move forward with my discharge. To cut a long story short it was a very intense meeting and you could feel all sorts of emotion flying around the room. I had to leave part of the way through as we were getting nowhere. I tried my hardest to explain my state of mind and that I wanted peace of mind but I just didn’t seem to get through to the consultant, who kept asking the same question; “What do you want out of this admission?” Wanting to live and not wanting to die wasn’t a good enough answer apparently. When I left I was able for speak with a psychologist who was really nice and much more understanding than the consultant. Eventually the conclusion was that I would have to declare myself as homeless. Once I get discharged I will go to my local council and they will hopefully sort some accommodation for me. I don’t even want to think what will happen to me if that doesn’t work out. After the meeting I had some food and promethazine, which really helped. For the rest of the evening I played Pokémon Shield.

Today I woke up to noise again. A new patient had been moved into a room near mine. Not the greatest first impression as he was extremely loud and aggressive. He ended up getting “the shot”. After my morning medication nap I had my review for discharge. My Mum and Step-dad were present again. I was quite anxious about the meeting due to how intense the previous meeting went. The meeting started off more calmly and I was a lot more rational. I knew what was coming, in terms of my discharge, and but my family (and me I guess) were not happy with the process of going from the ward up until i potentially get my own place through the council. My family tried to argue the point that I’m vulnerable and the process isn’t right for someone like me, however, no matter how they tried, I was gonna have to just go along with it. My care-coordinator was also present (on loudspeaker through the phone). We asked what other options there could be and it was suggested that I pay to rent a place of my own. At that point I lost it. I couldn’t believe that once again I had to explain the fact that I Don’t earn that kind of money because of my FUCKING MENTAL HEALTH!!! I actually shocked myself a little and quickly practice “square breathing” to calm myself down. I ended up leaving at that point and took some Promethazine. I felt really calm after that. Proper chilled I was. Right now I’m waiting for some toast and will play some Pokémon before bed. I can’t thank my family enough for putting up with me and fighting my corner this whole time. I can’t help but feel guilty and a let down though. Anyway, a new chapter will begin tomorrow. Hopefully the Universe will put things in my favour. I hope I get to see my love and children soon. Thank you for all your support my friends ❤️